Good afternoon, one and all! I figured since I did a post on Cancer Musing at the beginning, I'd do a midway and an end one as well. It's not the end yet, but it is midway! So first some news and then the musing.
News: In case you missed the Facebook post, I am down from 15 to tumors to 1, which is pretty incredible! And the one I have left shrunk from 6 cm in diameter to 2 cm. So we're getting some where, folks! This is exciting! My oncologist is a great doctor, but doesn't really show emotion, so when he told us this he was very straight faced; no excitement whatsoever. So I looked at him and said, "Hey. Be excited for me!" Then he laughed and said, "Don't worry I'm excited. But not about what I'm going to tell you next." I told him to not ruin my day, which he didn't, but he informed us I have to have radiation treatments once chemo is done. It acts as like a final sweep through to ensure every bit of the cancer is gone. So I'll be radioactive for a little while. Cue Imagine Dragons! ;)
OK. Now for the musings...
1. My thoughts while watching movies with characters that have cancer, "I wonder what they're treatment regiment is." "Do they have IV chemo or pill chemo?" "That's a cute head scarf! I should look for one like that." I thought I would be all sorts of weepy watching those movies. Apparently not!
2. Kind of going along with #1, cancer hormones are weird! One day I'll be sobbing while watching "The Prince of Egypt," and no, I'm not kidding, and the next I'll be totally straight-faced watching something super moving and emotional. You cry at really weird, little things, and laugh uncontrollably at others. It's a lot like a roller coaster. This can be really annoying, but at the same time it keeps you on your toes.
3. Being bald was cool for a couple of months. Seriously, I loved it. It was a lot of fun! And now I can say I've been bald, and according to others, I pull it off really well! But I'm ready for my hair to come back now, please. I never thought I'd miss ponytails...
4. Also pairing with #3, I am not a wig person. I admire people who are though. It's just really not my thing. So beanies and head scarves it is!
5. Person: "Hey! How are you?! You look great!"
Me: "Really?! Oh, good! Because I feel like I've been run over by a few semi trucks, and then thrown into a river."
Person: ".................."
Me: ".... I'm doing great! Really! Feeling awesome!"
Person: "Oh, good! I'm so glad!"
6. Exhausted is the new normal. Adjusting my perspective when required.
7. Will there be a day when I'm not exhausted? I sure hope so. This is getting old.
8. With radiation comes "radiation tattoos." They're these little permanent, black dots that help the radiologist know where to zap you with radiation. Since they're permanent and I have to have them, I have requested that they come in the shape of different constellations. My radiologist assured me that he'd see what he could do. I'm thinking Orion, the Big Dipper, Cassiopeia (sp?) maybe.... we'll see.
9. Chemo is intimate and personal. Let me explain. There has been only one person with me at all my chemo treatments, and that is my husband. It is the simplest of procedures; stick a needle in the mediport in your chest and let the chemo roll on in! However, I have refused to let other people come and see. It's a time during this cancer shenanigans where I am my most vulnerable. Sitting in a recliner for hours with a needle pumping poisonous, but extremely helpful liquid through you makes the whole thing REAL. For me, every time I go in for chemotherapy it's like admitting to myself all over again that I have cancer. It might sound ridiculous, but it's like being diagnosed all over again, every other Monday. I have to give in to cancer for a few small hours, and I don't want anyone seeing that. I'll tell you about it. But I don't want you to have to see it.
10. There is so much good in this world. Chivalry is not dead, loving service can be found anywhere, and people everywhere are genuinely GOOD people. A prime example are all the individuals I work with. I have never met such a caring, giving, and loving group of people in my life. So many teachers, teacher aids, staff members, etc. have given me hugs, hope, shown me love and kindness, and have done everything they could to help John and I. They bring meals, they have donated money, they have made me hats, the list goes on and on. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing and wonderful people. And those type of people can be found ANYWHERE! Everywhere I go there are people who see me and my bald, beautiful self, and offer me a hug of support, a hand of friendship, and prayers of hope and peace. One of the greatest blessings of having cancer has been the opening of my eyes to the goodness of God and the world around me. There is goodness and love everywhere.
11. I married the greatest man for me. Let's be real. Everyone's husband is the greatest! And that's because he's yours and does awesome things for you and your family! And I married the greatest for me. Cancer hit him just as much as it hit me. And I would give my life and everything I own to ensure he never gets cancer for himself. We have been through the refiners fire. As much as I hate admitting it, we're still in the fire. But he never shows how much the heat bothers him. He just takes my hand, smiles, tells me we're almost there, and then leads the way.
12. I still crave doughnuts. And guess what? I eat them. :)
