Update, Gratitude, and A Hymn With a New Meaning (Be prepared. It sounds a lot like a mixture of a talk and an English paper... I apologize for not being sorry.)

Things have been getting better, clearer, and sometimes what feels to be worse, all at the same time. Haha. But mostly better and clearer. I thought I had made it completely through Hell (referring to my last post), but in retrospect I only made it through the hardest part of Hell. Now I'm slowly but surely finding my way out completely. 

I got to go home from Spring Break and it was perfect. It was exactly what I needed, and I couldn't have asked for something better. Words cannot describe how much more complete and happy I felt last week. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy person! But I haven't been as happy, and I haven't felt as complete. But now, I feel much better. There are still nights that are a trial, and there are still moments where I'm having a hard time. But I can see the light at the edge of the darkness, and I am so close to being out.

Again,  I haven't done this alone. And that is something that yes, in reference to my last post, I knew and realized, but now I am realizing it even more so in a heavenly sense. Again, my parents have been phenomenal. I don't think there are enough words in this world to describe my gratitude to Heavenly Father for my parents. They have been with me every step of the way, and without a doubt I can say I will never have as great of friends on this earth as my parents. And also again, there is my sister and her cute, little family that I love so much. In all the empty spaces, they have been there to make it significantly less empty. Through Skype and text messages and phone calls, they have sustained me and lifted me up with their personal faith and their faith in me. My entire family has supplied me with insurmountable strength that cannot be measured or seen.

And then there are friends; another huge rock of strength. From our group Skype date, to the text messages and emails, and the phone calls of love and support. Not all of you have known my struggles or trial, but you were divinely inspired, I have no doubt. Because each message of love and encouragement came at exactly the right time. So thank you for listening to the Holy Ghost and acting on promptings that you may have thought didn't mean a whole lot of anything; but they meant everything.

Tonight while Skyping with my sister, as she was putting Catherine to bed she started to sing some hymns and Primary songs to get Catherine to fall asleep. As she put the phone down and sang, I was folding my clothes singing in my head with her. The last hymn she sang was "How Firm a Foundation." Now, I've always loved that hymn, but at the same time I had never truly listened to the words. This hymn took on a whole new meaning for me tonight. There is no doubt that I was meant to hear this hymn, and I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to hear my sister sing it. 

It is entirely, 100% about the Savior coming to our aid in times of trial. The first verse tells us that we have been given a solid, firm foundation: the Lord, Jesus Christ. He is our Savior and we can run to Him for refuge. We should run to Him for refuge! The second verse tells us that no matter what, in sickness, in health, whether we are rich or poor, no matter where we are in this world, "so thy succor shall be." I believe it was Neal A. Maxwell who said that the Savior suffered so that He would know how to succor us; how to help us. How to lift us in times of trial. How to comfort us in times of need. And no matter where we are in life and in this world, He will always be our Savior and come to our aid.

Verses three, four, and five are my personal favorites. In verse three it is the Lord speaking to us. He promises us that if we are righteous and look to Him, He will strengthen us, help us, lift us up. In verse four He promises that even though we will be asked to do hard and scary things, "the rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow. For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, and sanctify to thee the deepest distress." We will be asked to do hard things. We will be asked to go "through the deep waters," but God will not abandon us. The Savior will not abandon us. They will bless us, sanctify us, and not allow our troubles and trials to drown us. And then five. Verse five is the best. "When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, / My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply. / The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design / Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine." When we face those hard times, the Savior's grace is enough to conquer what is in front of us, and He will carry us through. We need to rely on His loving Atonement. He has designed these flames, and like the refiner's fire, He will consume and burn our impurities and our weaknesses, and He will refine us until we are gold. Paraphrasing, but "if the very jaws of Hell shall gape open wide the mouth after thee, all these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good."

Six talks about the Savior's love for us. That even until we're old and gray, we are His sheep and He is our Shepherd. And finally, verse seven is our dedication to Him. "I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes; / That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, / I'll never, no never, no never forsake." Satan is gonna try REAL hard to get us to shake and tremble with fear and doubt. The question is, "Will I allow it? Will I allow him to rob me of my faith and replace it with fear and doubt?" No, I will not.

So tonight was a very "faith opening" night for me tonight. I definitely feel strengthened and empowered to face a another night, and another dawn, and another day. I greatly needed the hymn and I think I really needed to blog. To get it all out there (OK, maybe not ALL. I haven't told you exactly what's been going on. But you get the point.). It has been very therapeutic, and I believe helpful. You will probably find it very boring, dull, possibly too religious, and completely ridiculous. But it helped me. And I feel good about that. :)

If You're Going Through Hell, Keep On Going

My mantra for the past couple of weeks comes from a Rodney Atkins song. "If you're going through hell, keep on going." And let me tell ya, the past two weeks have felt like walking through Hell. I won't go into the details, but let's just say it's been rough. However, if there's several things I realized over the past two weeks, it's that family and faith can provide more strength than I give them credit for sometimes.

I have called to talk to my mom everyday for 14 days. Poor, woman. Poor, Dad! I would talk to her from anywhere between thirty minutes to two and half hours. I'm just thankful that my mom is able to fully understand and empathize what's been going on and knew exactly what would help me. Moms are amazing like that. And thank you to my Dad who let me steal her ear for so long. :)

And then there's my sister and brother-in-law. In all the empty spaces between school and talking with my parents, I would talk to them. Even if Catherine was getting into something she shouldn't, or Rachel was cooking dinner, or Bradley was driving somewhere, they would talk to me. For however long it took. They would just talk to me.

And last, but certainly not least, faith. Faith and the Gospel will take you very far. I learned to rely on prayer and faith when it was 2 am and I needed someone. Something. Anyone. I knew I could pray and rely on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I knew I could rely on the scriptures and Conference talks. I knew I could turn to the Gospel, and just like my family, I would receive the help I need.

One night while trying to find the strength and help I needed at the time, I was reminded of Elder Holland's talk from this past General Conference. I am paraphrasing here, but he said something to the effect of, "If the miracle seems to not come fully or seemingly at all, drink the bitter cup and be strong; trusting in better days ahead." And so that night I drank the bitter cup, and held on. Trusting and having faith that there were better days ahead. I think that was Elder Holland's eloquent and more Gospel centered way of saying what Rodney Atkins was trying to say. And sometimes you'll get out "before the Devil even knows you're there."

In brighter news, I have decided to take an art class and yoga class. Hooray! I'm pretty excited about this. I think both will be good for me, and an opportunity to meet new people and experience new things. So here's to bettering myself and expanding myself past my comfort zone.

So here's to walking through Hell, making it to the other side with a smile and greater faith, and here's to self betterment; trusting in brighter, happier days ahead. :)