Ugh. Again, I've been hearing this a lot lately. Let me explain...
Teaching is not easy. It may look easy, but its not. Every single teacher in the history of education has said that the first year is the hardest. Most teachers quit after their first year. You just have to get back up on the horse, try again, and keep going. NOW... coming in the middle of the school year, following a teacher who had completely lost all drive and will power to do anything, AND teaching 150 ninth graders who want nothing more in life than to drive you crazy... now THAT'S hard.
Don't get me wrong. I love my students. I really do. People don't believe me, but I do. And a lot of them like me (or so they say...). Even my worst kid who drives me up the wall...I'll still fight for him/her. I'll still do everything in my power to help them succeed.
Classroom management is hard. Don't let anyone EVER tell you differently. Keeping control of a classroom, not leading by fear but rather by love and respect, and being able to keep a positive repoire with kids while disciplining them is hard. I have been met with opposition, help, respect, disrespect, you name it, these kids have thrown it at me. And I am so tired.
They push, and I push back. They pull, and I pull harder. I never knew how strong I was until I got this job. My principal told me the other day she didn't think I'd make it this long. Not because she thought I was a weak teacher, but because my classes have run out 3 other teachers before me. And then she asked me how I do it and all I could say was, "I'm the newbie who has idealistic fantasies about changing the world one kid at a time. I can't give up. I'd hate myself if I did."
And no matter how tired I am, I CAN'T give up. Every morning I wake up and go to school no matter how hard I know the day is going to be. And even though it's hard, I still love my job! I do! I can't deny that. Not everyday is a nightmare, only some every now and then. But whenever I have a bad day with the kids, I let it overshadow the good days, which is something I need to work on.
Anyway, back to the title of this blog. What these kids don't understand is that I'm not mad or grumpy or angry...I'm frustrated. There is a huge amount of apathy in the kids of today, and everyday I get frustrated with the lack of trying. When grades were due, I stayed after school for 3 hours grading last minute make-up work just so I could get their grades up. I was even changing grades in a frenzy on Monday morning just to raise one kid's grade from a A- to an A. Because that little bit of difference makes a huge difference to some of them. And then you have the kids who just don't care after I've given them ample of opportunities to raise their grade. Why won't you fight for yourself?
Now I'm not trying to say, "Oh hey, look at me, I'm an amazing teacher," because I'm not. Far from it. I just needed the space to vent. Like I said before though, I love my job and I love my kids. Everyday I wake up and thank Heavenly Father for giving me this opportunity. And everyday I thank Him for giving me the strength and love needed to do this job. You just never know how much the Lord has given you until you stop and look back at your blessings. And He has given me a lot. Therefore, I too must give. I MUST give my all. I MUST care. Not only MUST I, I WANT to.
